Mourning – Snippets

Today was a funky day, and I apologize for not posting sooner. Here’s some poetry to hold you over till tomorrow.

31. (Don’t) Let Them Fade
i lay in bed naked
4:30 am
and though it’s cold outside the covers
i’m sweating
in my mind’s ear i hear an infant’s cries
quiet and sad
i turn over
trying not to wake my husband
memories flash in my mind
holding the brother i knew would die
but all the while hoping
he would stay as long as he could
tiny crippled hands
cold nose
soft
anxious
cries
i’m trying not
to dig into my memory
because part of me
wants these ones to fade
my heart doesn’t want to remember
just yet,
back in my bed
i turn over again
hands over a womb i was told is empty
wanting a gap to be filled
but dreading it just the same
i want
i don’t want
these memories to fade
i don’t
i want
these memories to make me feel this way
i want
i don’t
know what to do
or how to cry
i just want
don’t want
to remember
without the pain.

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