This post was written on April 14th for Patreon.
i woke up this morning almost nauseous with anxiety, i could feel my heart pumping fast and my whole body felt ready to flee. i laid in bed trying not to wake my husband. breathe in…breathe out….
i finally got out of bed and went to the bathroom, i needed to get up and think. why was i so anxious? then i remembered. i had a dream. or actually a nightmare.
in my dream i was back living in Louisiana, back with the missions group I used to be. nothing bad happened to me in the dream. i just remember everyone was upset at me. i just had this overwhelming feeling of everyone being angry and disappointed with me. i didn’t know what i had done wrong. no one understood me and i was stuck.
i can’t get out. i can’t leave. i’m stuck.
i have this desire to make people in my life happy, but also this desire to do what i want and screw those who don’t like it. it’s hard to balance and i’m a person of extremes. i tend to go back and forth and then i feel guilty. it’s a nightmare of mine to be surrounded by people who are upset with me.
it took me an hour or so but i eventually felt better. grant and i had to hurry off to his work but then we came home and played some videogames together. i made breakfast and then sat down to write. the upside of having a dream like this is i’m inspired to write. i want to get out all of these feelings. sometimes all it takes to feel better is to have fun and talk with someone i love.