The State of My Mental Health – An Update of Sorts

Lots of thoughts concerning my anxiety and general weirdness have been floating around in my head lately.  Yesterday I watched a video on youtuber in which the vlogger was talking about her experience with anxiety and something called depersonalization disorder. The way she described things sounded similar to something I’ve experienced in the past so I decided to look it up.

Depersonalization disorder is marked by periods of feeling disconnected or detached from one’s body and thoughts (depersonalization). The disorder is sometimes described as feeling like you are observing yourself from outside your body or like being in a dream. However, people with this disorder do not lose contact with reality; they realize that things are not as they appear. An episode of depersonalization can last anywhere from a few minutes to many years.

This is quoted from Web MD. 

The first time I experienced something like this was November of 2013. I was able to go about my day, interact with people but the whole time it felt like I was going crazy because nothing felt real. It was like I was watching from outside my body. Or like I was seeing everything from this other place, like the eye of a storm or something. It was really scary and I didn’t know how to explain it to people or even how to talk about it. I was 18 and just barely out of my parent’s house and knew practically nothing about mental health.

I experienced it a second time maybe a year later.  In all it happened three or four times to me. Thankfully I haven’t experienced it again in almost a year.   And even though I haven’t had a professional tell me that I was experiencing depersonalization, it’s nice to know that it could have been this.  Like…it wasn’t just all in my head I was going through something real and I needed help.

Tomorrow I’m going to see a counseling center and get evaluated by them. It probably be a 2 hour session and hopefully after that I will be getting some help.  I’m nervous, as I always am when leaving the house to go somewhere new. But I think this will be really good for me.

 

Pretties By Scott Westerfeld – A Review

Goodreads Synopsis: Tally has finally become pretty. Now her looks are beyond perfect, her clothes are awesome, her boyfriend is totally hot, and she’s completely popular. It’s everything she’s ever wanted.

But beneath all the fun — the nonstop parties, the high-tech luxury, the total freedom — is a nagging sense that something’s wrong. Something important. Then a message from Tally’s ugly past arrives. Reading it, Tally remembers what’s wrong with pretty life, and the fun stops cold.

Now she has to choose between fighting to forget what she knows and fighting for her life — because the authorities don’t intend to let anyone with this information survive.

Find on Amazon and Goodreads. 

My review of the first book Uglies can be found here.

Wow this has taken me forever to read.  I bought it back in the beginning of June and didn’t start reading it till earlier this month and didn’t finish it till just yesterday.

Is it just me or is this book less interesting than the first? Because I enjoyed this book far less than Uglies.  I found myself getting bored a lot, which is why it took me so long to finish.

I’ve been sitting at my livingroom table staring at this post, trying to put decide what about Pretties I didn’t like.   Which I think I’ve come to a conclusion now. It’s not that I didn’t like the book.  It’s that I didn’t feel anything either way.  Didn’t hate Pretties, didn’t love it either. Mostly I just have a ”meh” feeling throughout the entire book.  Characters, plot, writing. Nothing grabbed me and held me at attention. Nothing made me flip to the next page dying to see what would happen next.

Tally, our main character, has become pretty. It’s what she’s always wanted. She has a group of friends and a boyfriend.  Her life is perfect.  And I think that’s what made it boring to me.  She became this fake character. This girl that I couldn’t relate with.  Most of the characters around her are pretties, and thus are also boring.  Zane was the only one that I cared about. I kinda wish this book had been told from his point of view.

The plot also felt lacking. I felt…I felt like I didn’t have to worry about Tally. Or maybe it was just the fact that I didn’t like her so I didn’t worry. The story felt long and dragged out, even though it’s only 370 pages.  There was one part that caught my attention. I don’t want to give away spoilers, but the book has been out for so long that I’m just going to talk about it.  Just be warned if you haven’t read the book, you may want to skip to the end.  Anyway, as I was saying. At one point Tally gets separated from her group of friends, and gets lost in the woods. There she gets found by a primitive group of people who are actually part of an experiment from some anthropologist. This part I found intriguing but I really just wanted to skip the parts with Tally and read more about the experiment.

End of spoilers.

I would say the writing was what really turned me off. The use of nicknames between characters “Tally-waa” and “Shay-la” were used. It drove me crazy to say the least. I mean I get it. It’s supposed to be dumb…but my tolerance for dumbness is very low. Also the words ”bubbly” and ”pretty-making”, I think there was more but I can’t remember. There were times the characters sounded so dumb I was cringing. Again I realize that’s the point. This just wasn’t the book for me I guess.  I know a lot of people liked this series, and I’m glad because it’s definitely a unique idea.

I gave this book 3 stars on Goodreads.

Camp NaNoWriMo Update

It’s been hard for me to write the past few days.  The last time I updated my wordcount I was at 32, 626. Which is over my goal of 20k but far below what I had hoped I would be at by now. By the end of July I was hoping to be at 60k and have King,Hunter and Outlaw finished.  

I’ve been slacking for a number of reasons. One being that I’m having a hard time juggling five different POV’s. Another being I’m at a point where my characters just won’t work with me. Everyone is tired of listening to me and just wants to sit and glare. 😉  And the last reason being a close relative died recently and it’s been hard… I feel like I shouldn’t be writing something as trivial as a fantasy adventure novel. 

Needless to say I’m all blocked up and I’m tired and I don’t really know what to do about it. 

How’s your writing been going? 

10 Reasons Why Being An INFP is the Best

My first post here talks about the negative side of being my personality type INFP. In this post I want to talk about everything I love about being an INFP. Hope you all enjoy! 🙂

1.  Emotions are my thing. I’m really good at understanding other people’s emotions. I love this ability, I love people and their inner workings. Emotions are so cool to explore and try to understand.

2. I care a lot.  Basically if I care about anything then I care for it 100%. I love that I can be so passionate about life.

3. I’m a dreamer. I excel at daydreams, I love dreaming of the future, I love dreaming of stories and in general dreams fill my life. My dreams may not be normal, but hey what’s the fun in dreaming of you can’t be a little eccentric too?

4. I find people fascinating. Everyone has a possibility and I’m in love with that fact. Give me a documentary on a historical figure, or when I can muster out my introvert soul a deep chat with a friend over tea. This is so satisfying!

5. I’m a really good listener. I don’t always know how to say what’s on my mind, but I do know how to be quiet and pay attention. I like making someone tea and rubbing their back or playing with their hair while they vent.

6. Optimism is the other half of my cynical brain.  The world is messy but it’s also blindingly beautiful. Anything can happen.

7. Creativity is also my thing. INFP’s are usually people who seek creative outlets for all of our feelings.  My outlet is typically writing, but lately I’ve been branching out to art, fashion and music.  Like I said I can’t always express how I feel through speaking, and having so many emotions bottled up is bad for me. The easiest and most productive way to let things out is to transform it into creativity.

8. I believe very strongly. Because I care a lot I believe in what I believe with all my heart. I tend to throw myself into things completely.

9. I value having an open mind. I hate having people tell me what I think, and so this is my number 1 rule on how to treat people. Listen, don’t tell them what to do.  I have my opinion and sometimes it differs from others but that’s ok.

10. I’m flexible and (usually) embrace change. Life and seasons change. Without change things would get dull very fast. I’m a big fan of impromptu road trips, blanket fort building or small gatherings of friends.

So I know it’s taken me forever to write this post, but here it finally is. What are something that you love about your Myers Briggs personality? 

 

Bits O’ Life

I’m sitting in my living room and the main light is off so the room is cozily dark, light from the dinning room is coming in from the right corner.  My cousin has a set of really nice speakers that I’m using to listen to Daughter. My cat is playing at my feet. It’s a beautiful morning.

The past few days it’s been very hard for me to sit myself down and get writing done that I feel is actually good. Hence my disappearance from this blog. But today I’ve been able to talk to a friend about deep things and it’s refreshing me.  So I thought today I’d just do a quick post of what’s been inspiring or making me happy this week so far.

• I bought myself a coloring book on Saturday.  It’s full of whimsical cats and it’s magical.

• Topaz Winters posted a beautiful post today.   Her writing always gives me goosebumps.

 

• I watched a documentary on the Feminist movement in the ’60s and I can’t tell you how many times I teared up. These women are so strong and powerful! We all take for granted how they had to fight for what is now so much easier for us.  10/10 would recommend to all.

• I fell in love with bath bombs. I was given one by a secret sister and it was heaven. I can’t wait to try another one.

• Again I have Daughter on repeat (so often). Her music is a perfect blend of acoustic and lullaby. Listening makes me wish I had a guitar again. Right now my favorite song is Made of Stone. 

 

• This is a fun link that I found today via Facebook. It’s so interesting to see how clothes have changed over the years, plus vintage photos are the best.

That’s it for today! What has been inspiring you these days? What music have you been listening to, I’m always looking for new recommendations. 

 

 

 

 

 

Siege and Storm – Can I Kill the Chosen One?

Goodreads Synopsis: Hunted across the True Sea, haunted by the lives she took on the Fold, Alina must try to make a life with Mal in an unfamiliar land. She finds starting new is not easy while keeping her identity as the Sun Summoner a secret. She can’t outrun her past or her destiny for long.

The Darkling has emerged from the Shadow Fold with a terrifying new power and a dangerous plan that will test the very boundaries of the natural world. With the help of a notorious privateer, Alina returns to the country she abandoned, determined to fight the forces gathering against Ravka. But as her power grows, Alina slips deeper into the Darkling’s game of forbidden magic, and farther away from Mal. Somehow, she will have to choose between her country, her power, and the love she always thought would guide her–or risk losing everything to the oncoming storm.

Find on Goodreads and Amazon. 

 

I read this book a few months back but realized I never wrote a review about it, so here that is now. 🙂

Siege and Storm is the second book in a trilogy that combines adventure and fantasy, which is always a fun genre.  I definitely enjoyed all the details about the world, and even gave this book an extra star just because of it.  Leigh Bardugo is a really great world-building writer. Her story is rich in detail and the magic system is pretty well done.

So why Abi, I’m sure you’re asking now, why did you only give it 2 stars?

I know. I’m a terrible person. I know a lot of people really like this book and trilogy, but I wasn’t the biggest fan of the first book and I liked this book even less.  Here are my reasons why.

1)   Alina: The main character, hero, blah blah blah. She was about as interesting as a log of wood. This book she’s supposed to be fighting the side of her that wants power. She’s supposed to be doing more ”bad guy” like things but honestly she’s just a whiney little bitch.  She follow the trope that happens in most ”chosen one” books, where she loves someone but always chooses them over actually saving the day. It was like she was always sabotaging herself. For example, the character Nikolai is helping Alina but he has a rivalry with Mal (the love interest because where would we be in YA without a love triangle). Now you would think in this instance you would take your boyfriend aside and tell him to shut the hell up so everyone can work together. But no instead she keeps threatening Nikolai who’s literally the only one who can help at the moment.  Saying things like: “Don’t keep pushing him Nikolai. Loose Mal and you’ll lose me too.” Now I get that some characters are like this. But I feel like it happens in every single YA chosen one story. And I really need it to stop.

2) Mal: He is an asshole this entire book. He’s so selfish and treats Alina badly and I disliked him a lot.

3) Pretty Much Everything Else: The rest of the plot, the rest of the characters, Nikolai, the “big bad guy”, it was just all so boring.  Don’t kill me for saying this but the plot just felt like every other plot for a fantasy chosen one save the day story.

Like I said early I gave this book 2 stars on Goodreads.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who dislikes this book? What are your thoughts on it?