A week and a half ago in my last counseling appointment my councilor brought up the idea of looking into anti-anxiety medication.Grant could feel me tense up and shut down. He touched my arm and said gently,
“That idea scares you doesn’t it?
And I realized he was right. This really and truly scared me down to my core. And I had to stop and ask myself why? Why does it matter to me that much?
The answer turned out to be complicated at first but once I looked at it I realized there were two main worries I had. At the core of the issue I was scared of this idea because a large part of me felt this meant I was very very ill. It’s one thing to be anxious, and to go to counseling and fix things. It’s another thing to take medication. Doesn’t that mean that I’m beyond just a normal fix? Doesn’t that mean there’s something terribly wrong with me?
The answer to that is of course no. Taking a form of medication doesn’t somehow cross the line between kinda needing help, to really needing help. Medication is just another tool that I can use to get better.
The other thing that scared me about this was the thought that by taking medication I was somehow lazy or not doing my best to get better. Medication seemed like the easy way out, the way out for people who have a hard time sticking with the more difficult road.
This is also a wrong assumption. I’m not somehow less than, or lazy. I’m working every day (though some days are easier than others) to get better. And again medication is just another tool for me on my journey to be less anxious.
Grant has been so much help to me this past week and half. He’s helped me break down my fear and realize why it’s not true, and where there might be some valid points. My mom has also been a big help in researching all the different methods to help my anxiety go down.
I’ve decided now that I would like to look into a low form of anxiety medication, and that I will also be looking into my hormone levels and go from there. I’m not expecting my anxiety to be cured automatically. I just need to keep trying and see what works for me.
If anyone else has anxiety I’d love to hear about what works for you! Also if you have anxiety and you just need someone to listen to you, I’m here and always willing to listen.